What eloping REALLY means (and ten common elopement lies)
what is an elopement wedding?
The history of eloping, a modern definition of the word “elope”, and ten common elopement lies you may have heard:
Eloping is a trending topic with a hazy, vague definition - so I’m defining exactly what it REALLY means to elope in this post (and sharing 10 elopement lies you may have heard). Why do I care so much? The short answer is that I have an nonconformist streak a mile long, but the longer answer is this:
Personally, I have more experience with the topic of eloping than many. In January 2018, my partner Krisztian and I eloped in Joshua Tree, but this was far from my first experience with elopements. After my parents’ divorce, they each remarried in elopement ceremonies. Before that, my Grandma Judy eloped with my beloved Papa Steve in her second marriage. And, prior to that, my Yaya (great-grandmother) eloped in Savannah, marrying my Papa Pinkie on the rooftop of the bar they owned together.
My parents, my biological grandparents, and my biological great-grandparents had traditional, larger weddings for their first marriages. Yet the marriages begun with elopements in my family have always set the standard for what I knew to be love, happiness, and true partnership. So, when my partner proposed to me, an elopement felt only right.
the modern definition of what it means to elope:
My personal definition of eloping is this:
“An elopement is a purpose-driven expression of a couples’ first day of marriage attended by few or no guests, and is dictated by the couples’ shared values and beliefs rather than societal expectations, familial obligations, or cultural traditions.“
In other words, the focus is primarily on the “why” of your wedding. Why are you getting married? Why is this person the partner you’re taking for life?
The rest - the where, the what, the who, the when - it all falls into place when you decide to elope. Once you’ve decided you want the focus of your first day of marriage to be about your love, your story, and your values, everything else comes together.
where did the word elope come from?
The original form of the word elope is derived from the word “aloper,” an Anglo-French word that means to “run away, escape, flee.” Around the 17th century, it took a romantic turn, defined as “running away to marry without parental approval,” Let’s be honest, the word elope has had the glow-up of the century. No longer does eloping mean a secret, unapproved wedding between star-crossed lovers!
In this article, Merriam-Webster even takes a jab at the “big wedding” industry, saying “Elope appears to have become shorthand for "small destination wedding," (or) "wedding that is not financially insane." Other words used interchangeably with the term elopement are small wedding, private wedding, wedding for two, and micro wedding.
10 common Elopement Lies:
1. Eloping is selfish
There are so many reasons why couples choose to elope, but one thing that often holds people back is a fear of being selfish. In many cultures and religions, a wedding is seen as an experience for an entire family. The many layers and facets of identity can make choosing to elope more difficult than for others! However, I’ll be the first to say: eloping is not selfish (am I biased? maybe.).
Countless couples choose to elope because they’re carrying the bulk of the wedding planning expenses and would rather the fees associated with a more traditional wedding (venue fees, bulk orders of linens, catering for hundreds) to go towards an extended stay in Paris, or a down payment on their future home.
Others opt to elope because they’re seeking a more romantic, private experience and the thought of exchanging raw, vulnerable vows in front of a hundred guests makes them want to cringe. Regardless of why you choose to elope, the decision is fully yours as a couple and it belongs to no one else! Besides, think of allllll the good karma you’ll win from opting for a more sustainable, environmentally-friendly way to get married.
2. Elopements are for people who care less
In movies, eloping couples are often portrayed as heartbroken partners rebounding, drunkenly, in Vegas with Elvis at their side. Don’t get me wrong - I LOVE “What Happens in Vegas,” but this is absolutely NOT true for so many! Couples who decide to elope are often engaged for years prior to getting married. Many personalize the entire day from start to finish with painstaking care. There is certainly a different type of stress associated with elopement planning (much of it is DIY as it is so custom) but that is not to say that people who elope do not care about their wedding day.
3. Elopements aren’t “real” weddings
Once all the ink is dry, an elopement is just as legal and “real” as any other wedding! Legal requirements vary state to state, so research your state (and/or the state in which you’re planning to elope) beforehand to ensure proper paperwork is completed. Here’s information for Los Angeles county: https://www.lavote.net/home/county-clerk/marriage-licenses-ceremonies/general-info/about
see more of this Long Beach California Elopement
4. Couples regret eloping
As an elopement bride myself, and as the daughter, grand-daughter, and great-grand-daughter of elopement couples, I’m prreeeeeettty sure this is false. Just kidding: I’m absolutely sure this is false! The same untrue blanket statement could be said about couples who pay tens of thousands of dollars to host a large, lavish wedding: there are some people that truly cherish that type of wedding! Weigh your joint priorities with your partner and find fit that works for you both to avoid any post-wedding regret.
5. Elopements are unplanned and spontaneous
When planning an elopement, couples are typically more flexible in terms of planning, with their focus largely on the overall wedding experience. Weather is a major factor for outdoor-focused wedding days, so it’s not uncommon to plan around average snowfall/rainfall/etc. with a more generalized timeframe rather than a hard, set date. This level of flexibility is impossible when dealing with hundreds of guests and dozens of vendors but works in the eloping couples’ favor by giving them a much greater chance of securing their top-choice vendors.
That being said, there definitely IS planning that goes into *most* elopements. Generally, the planning involved is finding a location, choosing a date, obtaining wedding outfits, getting proper permits + paperwork, and hiring key vendors (officiant, photographer/videographer).
see more of this Baker Beach San Francisco elopement
6. Elopements are cheesy, fast ceremonies, and nothing else
If you picture a dingy, unromantic courthouse with a ten-second ceremony and nothing else when you think “elopement,” I’m about to BLOW YOUR MIND. You can 99.9% customize your elopement day however you envision. And that .01% - it’s just the signing of the marriage license, which makes the whole thang legal as a beagle. When I’m working with couples planning their elopement, I ask them what their favorite memories together have been so far, and what their ideal elopement day together would be. The things you cherish most in your relationship (sharing a morning cup of coffee, hiking, going on road trips) are a great indicator of what you may like to include in your wedding day! For my elopement day, that meant donuts, In-N-Out, hiking, french press coffee, and Joshua Tree. When it comes to an ideal elopement day, it’s helpful to think of the following things: What would the weather be like? Where would it take place? What would you eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? What would you drink? What activities would you do?
The answers are as varied as each couple I talk to! Everyone has their own definition of adventure (Off-roading? Expensive sushi? Getting matching tattoos?). The beauty of elopements is that you’re not selecting a combo from a pre-planned drive-thru window: it’s truly a custom, one-of-a-kind experience.
see more of Grace + John’s Sutro Baths San Francisco Elopement
7. Elopements are for people without close families
False again! While some eloping couples have an unconventional family dynamic or aren’t super close with their relatives, many are. However, the thought of sharing such an intimate, private experience with a crowd isn’t the right fit for everyone. The majority of eloping couples cite seeking a “just us” experience as the main driver in opting away from a traditional wedding. If you’d like to be surrounded by some of your very closest friends and family, that’s possible - it’s becoming more common for couples to elope with family (also known as a small wedding, tiny wedding, intimate wedding, or micro wedding). If you’re not sure if you want an entirely private experience, but know you don’t want the stress or expense of a 100+ person traditional wedding, this can be a great solution!
see more of Estephania + Piero’s Joshua Tree National Park Elopement
8. You can’t elope and celebrate with your big, extended family too
Elopement after-parties and receptions are increasing! Planning an event separate from the elopement relieves many people of the stress that goes into wedding planning. This can be a great solution for couples who come from families who may believe eloping to be disrespectful, or just for couples who want to party with their friends and relatives to celebrate! There are few trending ways to do this. Some use this reception as an opportunity to reveal that they’re already married, others plan a formal “traditional” wedding day start to finish, and some couples choose to go with a reception-only route that’s slightly more casual and cost-effective. This day can be totally personalized too - you can mix and match whichever traditions resonate most with you! Sarvenaz and Armand (below) opted to celebrate with their extended Persian family before their destination elopement in Cabo.
9. Elopements are always super casual and informal
Eloping can definitely be a luxury experience! Couples who choose to elope often have the financial means of planning a larger, more traditional wedding but are looking for a more private, romantic experience. While eloping is often significantly less expensive than the cost of the average US wedding, that’s not to say it’s “cheap.” Between elopement outfits, travel, reservations, permits, key vendors, and activities, eloping couples often spend thousands of dollars. However, the cost *can be* a fraction of the price of big weddings. It’s very common for couples to put their wedding funds towards unique experiences to celebrate this very unique occasion. That may be skydiving or helicopter rides, sushi at world-renowned NYC restaurant Masa, or renting a 1950’s classic convertible for the weekend. Couples who elope aren’t selling their wedding day short, they’re just putting their time, energy, and resources into a day that’s a reflection of them!
10. Eloping ONLY takes place in Las Vegas.
If you want to have a totally rad Vegas elopement, we can do that! But that’s by no means the modern-day standard. Determining a location to exchange vows and make this commitment is a factor planning couples consider as seriously as those searching for a more traditional venue. Because there’s a smaller group, the options for elopement locations are nearly endless! State, City, and Country laws do vary, so it’s important to research the legalities of any location you’re considering.
In conclusion: can eloping mean running off with a lover in secret? Yes. But more commonly today it’s regarded as a small, private (or semi-private) wedding experience that’s more personalized and less stressful than a traditional wedding. These take place in city halls, national parks, gardens, destination beaches, backyards, and everywhere in between. It’s not about a certain limit on the number of guests attending - it’s so much more than that. It’s an intimate, vulnerable way to commit your life to the person you’ll be spending the rest of it with. And well, what exactly that looks like is TOTALLY up to you.
Ready to get started on planning your elopement or intimate wedding day? Contact me to get started!
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